What is an Authentic Apology?

In restorative justice work, an authentic apology can be pivotal in healing and rebuilding relationships. Unlike a superficial apology, an authentic one demands sincere remorse, acknowledgment of harm, and a commitment to making amends. It honors the dignity and humanity of both the person harmed and the person responsible. This blog delves into the elements of an authentic apology, the benefits of a well-made apology, and the accountability letter prompt, a practical tool for those looking to reflect and make amends.

Understanding the Context of Harm

As people, we all cause and experience harm. When we cause harm, it’s essential to understand that such actions do not occur in a vacuum. The first step for those seeking to apologize is to interrogate the root systems of harm in their own lives and relationships. 

Too often, we think that harm is inflicted deliberately, as if we woke up with the intention to cause pain. However, it’s crucial to recognize the complexity and nuances involved. While intention does not outweigh impact, understanding the context helps us see that when we cause harm, we may not have had the tools to manage our emotions,understand strong feelings in the moment, or process dynamics from our childhood upbringing.

It’s not uncommon for people who harm others to have experienced harm themselves. This cycle can result from a lack of resources, such as emotional support, safe housing, or financial stability, which are critical for processing trauma and developing healthy coping mechanisms. Addressing these root causes is crucial in reshaping behaviors and fostering accountability. Addressing root causes is also how we meet the needs of the majority of survivors who never want what happened to them to happen ever again.

Elements of an Authentic Apology

An authentic apology transcends mere words of regret. It involves key components that demonstrate genuine remorse and a willingness to repair the harm done. An authentic apology: 

• Conveys Genuine Remorse: Begin with sincere expressions of regret, such as “I apologize,” “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong.” These words may come from a place of genuine remorse for the actions and their impact.
• Acknowledges the Hurt and Potential Harm: Specifically acknowledge the harm caused. This means recognizing the emotional and relational damage inflicted. For example, “I know that you trusted me and shared personal information, and I broke that trust by sharing it with others.”
• Recognizes the Dignity and Humanity of the Person Harmed: Acknowledge the experiences and feelings of the person harmed. This step affirms their reality and the seriousness of the harm, demonstrating respect for their dignity.
• Recognizes the Dignity of the Person Responsible: While taking responsibility, it’s also important to recognize the self-worth of the person apologizing. This reinforces that taking responsibility is a step toward personal growth and respect.

The Accountability Letter Prompt

Before writing a letter of accountability, it’s beneficial to reflect on several key points:

• What happened? Describe the incident in detail.
• Who did it affect? Consider the people impacted, including the person harmed, your family or chosen family, and the community.
• How did it affect everyone? Reflect on the consequences for all involved.
• What was going on just before the harm happened? Think about the circumstances and prior conversations or behaviors leading up to the event.
• What was I thinking just before and during the time of the harm? Understand your mindset at that time and be gentle with yourself on your thoughts at that same time.
• Why do I think I acted the way I did? Explore the reasons behind your actions and have grace with yourself that your actions may have come from trauma that has not been addressed yet, due to financial reasons and/or resources available in your community.
• If someone I love got hurt in the way I harmed this person, what would I want the person who hurt them to do to make up for it? Consider the actions you would expect from someone else in a similar situation.Think about and reflect on how you would want your loved one to receive an apology. 

When writing the reflective accountability letter, consider including:

• How do I feel about my actions now? Reflect on your current feelings and understanding. Check in with yourself before, while, and after you think about your actions and remember that you are a human who is constantly growing and changing.
• If I had it to do over again, what would I do differently? Contemplate alternative actions or what you could have done differently with what you know now.
• What would I like the person harmed to know now? Share any new insights or messages, even if it feels like new growth for you. Remember you are human and evolving and it’s okay to express an apology on who you were at the time with the resources/tools you had.
• How do I think my actions affect others, the person harmed, their family, the community, and my family? Acknowledge the broader impact. In this reflection, remember that guilt challenging feelings  may arise, but in those feelings, there can be transformation. 
• What can or will I do to make up for what I did? Propose actions to make amends.

Doing Sorry: taking actions to repair harm to the degree possible, and guided when feasible by the people harmed

To make an authentic apology, doing sorry, follow these steps:

• Express Remorse: Begin with a heartfelt expression of remorse. Your words should convey genuine regret and can most definitely reflect that healing is not linear. There may have been ups and downs to getting to a place of explicitly expressing remorse. 
• Admit Responsibility: Clearly state what you did wrong, avoiding any excuses.
• Share Why: Explain why you are apologizing and what you understand about the impact of your actions.
• Making It Right: Offer a way to make amends and commit to change. Hold space for the complexities of change and the shame that may come with making amends. You got this!
• Example: “I apologize for talking behind your back. I know that you trusted me and shared personal information, and I broke that trust by sharing it with others, especially without your consent. In the future, I will not share anything you asked me to keep between us. Please let me know what you need; I want to make this right for you.”

The Gifts of an Apology

When done well, an apology can offer several benefits:

• Emotional Safety: The harmed person feels acknowledged and validated, knowing their pain has reached the person responsible.
• Validating Reality: Recognizing the harm allows the harmed person to affirm their reality, reducing the emotional burden of unacknowledged harm.
• Gift to Self: Taking responsibility enhances self-awareness, maturity, and self-respect. These gifts can carry with you throughout your life and enhance your life in many ways as you continue to make more relationships in community. It can also support you in moving through similar moments differently in the future.
• Gift to Relationship: Apologies can restore trust and intimacy, essential for healthy relationships.

Building Relationships and Accountability

Relational accountability requires meeting people where they are, understanding their circumstances, and providing support. It’s about creating an environment where individuals feel safe to discuss their mistakes and shame, and where being human is accepted. Building such relationships fosters a norm of accountability and growth. It’s a balance between addressing issues and walking with someone through the process of accountability. Engaging in accountability is a choice, and it looks like love—supporting and calling someone into processing the harm they caused while also working with them towards change.

Interested in learning more about how to support harm doers in being accountable?

Conclusion

An authentic apology can be transformative in a restorative justice process, offering a path to healing and reconciliation. By embracing the elements of a good apology, using tools like the Accountability Letter Prompt, and understanding the context of harm, we can ensure that our apologies are sincere, impactful, and transformative. Whether you are apologizing or accompanying someone else in their accountability, remember that sincerity, empathy, and a commitment to change are the keys to making amends and moving forward.

 

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